Trust, harmony, peace and loyalty.
I hurt my best friend and I didn’t know this hurt would run this deep… or long. My best friend! The one who I confide in most, and who believed in me and who I believed in. The one who i trust the most and who trusted me. I let her down, big time!
I believe that I have been going through withdrawal symptoms, and I’m not being funny. High anxiety, black outs, nightmares and loss of sleep, Depression, hypertension…to name a few.
I have expressed my sorrow and apologized profusely and I’ve asked her and God what else I can do. I have made it clear that if I could go back in time I would handle everything so differently. And not for the sake of a friendship (that too) but for the sake of her happiness and health. I would never want anyone to suffer so much or for so long.
I don’t even know how to think anymore. I don’t know how to pray. I have no idea what else I can do.
What I do know is that what we had was good.
It was a depth enjoyed that’s not easily explainable. It was a solidarity that could not be easily torn. It was fun. It was comfortable. It was sane. Incomprehensible. Hmm…too good to be true? Nah…it was real, for sure.
Know what? We’re flawed. We are imperfect persons living in an imperfect world. And things hurt. Things are hard. Things take time, perseverance, patience and suffering. For sure, suffering.
So. Where to go from here. Not sure…but I really want to get there because this fucking sucks!
Know what I miss? I miss saying good morning and goodnight. I miss using words and phrases and emojis that only we knew. I miss sharing everyday life. I miss sharing the depth of life. I miss her touch and her scent. I miss her voice. I miss her advice. I miss her companionship. I miss her demands. I miss her wisdom and clarity. I miss her stories. I miss her laugh and her voice. I miss who she is…I miss her.
I miss harmony.
This is not good.
This is too hard.
This too shall pass.